An elephant is always thought enormous,
but I know one that’s really rather small,
a teensy weensy thing, just like a dormouse.
exactly two and one half inches tall!
His jungle is a garden full of flowers,
the grass grows right up level with his eye,
above him dandelions stand like towers
in Heaven’s vault, the lovely deep blue sky.
To us, a little insect doesn’t matter,
the buzzing of a gnat sounds rather sweet,
to him, it’s like a helicopter’s clatter,
the world is not the same when you’re petite!
He lives there all alone in self-reliance,
the birds fly past and look down in surprise,
most elephants they’ve heard about are giants,
but this one is a very different size!
Do not look on this elephant with pity,
he trumpets out his jungle songs with pride,
it doesn’t matter if you’re itty-bitty,
the most important part is what’s inside.
Another good one Graeme, --- it would be great to add to a book for kids too!
I think you could (maybe?) improve the last line with a play on mite/might such as:-
most important is the might (or mite) inside.
Just a thought, there is nothing wrong with it as is, loved it! Ted.
Thanks Ted, a good idea, I finished it in a hurry, it was an audition for a Russian book of translated kids poems (that I missed out on)
Here's what they gave me:
There was once an elephant, Not a huge one, But the little, little, Little elephant, Just a little bigger than a young mouse. A dandelion was blossoming out Above him in the vault of heaven; A gnat was buzzing like An enormous helicopter.
So I had to write a 20 line rhyming poem using that.
This is classy, funny and erudite (in its own silly way) Graeme and although Ted has some valid thoughts, he's right...it's good enough to stand on its own particular merit. Bill's right too (effing unfortunately). I should have been born a complete moronic imbecile, been great looking with a flair for singing and found some big-mouth agent whose connected majorly at the global top (20% commision league now not 10%) and hey! Instant churned out shooting star with megabucks, a keen nose to SHNIFE things with and a chick hanging off each arm after both had auditioned for Helen of Troy and the two gorgeous angels both made shortlist. But at least we have (battered albeit) integrity and although it doesn’t pay bills (or ours either I hasten to add), I can at least put a cohesive sentence or more together without the aid of a teleprompt or script.
Last edited on Mon Jun 1st, 2009 08:45 am by Curslayer
____________________ "To think one knows is a step, to know that one knows is the path, to show that one knows is the journey and to be as one knows is the destination." As always: "Know Thyself"
Considering what they gave you to work with not a bad stab at all, especially as the story goes. Some of the lines seem a little rough, but then it was a quick read. Certainly one does not wish to be original in what one submits, that scares them off faster than anything.
Dale
____________________ Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
Well, if this isn't the cutest little poem i ever did see! It's got a lot of charm this one has. I'm sorry though, that they made you cut it down like they did, that bloody sucks mate. Believe me when i tell you though, i know how you feel. A good deal of the poems i submit to various publications, online and otherwise, often end up getting chopped or pruned a little at some point. Most of the time they don't even ask me. They just send me the little note of acceptance, with the revised version of what i submitted, telling me that it just seemed to work better for them in a smaller format...lol.
It just never ends. But, when it comes to getting paid for our writing, we both just have to keep on submitting, and hoping that at some point, we'll find that one publication, or editor that will see the talent we possess, and offer us a steady, decent paying gig. i know the more we submit, the less likely it seems, but i know this is the way to to do it, or at least i think it is....lol.
Either way, i loved this mate...i really did. It's a new twist on these huge behemoths, which i've never seen done before, but which you pulled off with the wit that's made you famous around here for being the King of Mirthful Hearts.
Thanks for sharing this my friend, i really enjoyed it.
Take care.
____________________ Live, love, learn and grow...by all means grow.
____________________ "We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
I want to read this to one of my nieces. We call her Petite(she answers to it better then calling her by her real name, actually). I love it. Being small (or short :/) isn't always a bad thing. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I were tall.
)
