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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 4517 |
| Real First Name: | David |
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#1 Posted: Sat Jul 3rd, 2010 07:43 pm |
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Sister Spider
Sister Spider speaks her wisdom
in the silence of her webbing;
myriads of soft connections
strung to sift and catch the breezes,
sun and water; sister poet
safe within her spiral center
waiting there for gnats, mosquitoes,
butterflies with beautied wings, to
take and drink: a covenantal
sharing, blood to fuel her spinning
way, her web spun from her inner
self, all spun to catch the whorled
world with the air and sun ‘til
Sister Death will find her waiting.
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"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Ted Cherry
Aussie and proud of it
| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
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#2 Posted: Mon Jul 5th, 2010 02:41 am |
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David, this poem is (I think) the first one I have read of yours that I can't find anthing that pleases me as the reader of it. It starts in rhythmic 4 ft line lengths and becomes arrhythmic (perhaps only for me?) toword the end. And the story-line, -- I don't think it does much justice to the incredible life of a spider. But, I hope others like it. Ted.
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
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| Real First Name: | David |
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#3 Posted: Mon Jul 5th, 2010 05:01 am |
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| Sorry it's not to your liking, Ted. For me it stays rhythmic.
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Erthona
~Erthona
| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2327 |
| Real First Name: | Dale |
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#4 Posted: Mon Jul 5th, 2010 01:18 pm |
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David,
This line seems a bit off.
"world with the air and sun ‘til"
world with the air and sun ‘til
If you had left "'til" as "until" it would have four accents like the rest of the lines.
Although the rest do have four accents per line, some of them reel like a drunken sailor. Not that I have anything against drunkenness and drunkards (they are after all the bedrock of society), but sailors I really can't abide.
The enjambment in the last part seems a bit forced and gratuitous.
I think this is a good idea, but this effort seems a bit artificial. So, although it pains me severely, I think I will have to go along with Ted on the overall impact of this one. Certain things just put me off such as the absence of the "and" between
"gnats, mosquitoes, "and" butterflies"
I'm thinking a looser form, with possibly longer lines might be better suited to this topic. A little more interaction, such as the effect the bugs have on her web, the almost frantic haste she exhibits when running to bundle them up. Something to give it a little more visceral quality to help ground it and give it more a feel of reality, and along the way give the anthropomorphism of the spider a greater surface area so the reader can feel an easier connection with her..."as a person" :)
Dale
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Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 4517 |
| Real First Name: | David |
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#5 Posted: Fri Jul 9th, 2010 02:55 am |
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| I'm going to have to come back to this one. Thanks for the read Dale.
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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rws
Poet
| Joined: | Tue Apr 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Warren, Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 9900 |
| Real First Name: | Bill |
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#6 Posted: Wed Aug 11th, 2010 06:24 pm |
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| It appears as if Sister Spider already has a covenant with Sister Death.
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
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#7 Posted: Thu Aug 12th, 2010 04:57 pm |
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| <nod>
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Serah
non-moving avatar
| Joined: | Tue Jun 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stateofmind, New York USA |
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#8 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 04:17 am |
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Hi David, I like this, it makes me think.....is it a metaphor of which I have some clues to, or am I just missing the big picture.
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