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Serah
non-moving avatar
| Joined: | Tue Jun 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stateofmind, New York USA |
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#1 Posted: Wed Jul 28th, 2010 01:07 am |
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| roots,
trees,
and honeybees,
lining mythical edges.
summer skies,
blood-sucking flies,
swallowing your love
between a silhouette secret.
evergreens,
blue daydreams,
in an air-tight heart
crying a song of solitude.
seeds,
weeds,
and dusty needs,
growing old alone.
thoughts of you,
which once cluttered my mind,
have decreased to...
one,
single,
thought...
somewhere. Last edited on Sat Aug 14th, 2010 04:09 am by Serah
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 4517 |
| Real First Name: | David |
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#2 Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 01:42 am |
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| I like the use of Rhyme because it leads me, so I think, someplace happy... only to have the last parts of the poem throw me for a loop.
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Serah
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#3 Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 01:59 am |
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I love throwing people for a loop with my loopy poems! 
Thank you for reading and commenting, David....you made mt day!
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rws
Poet
| Joined: | Tue Apr 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Warren, Ohio USA |
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| Real First Name: | Bill |
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#4 Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 10:32 am |
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An oddly sullen love affair
with dimentia, sorrow and despair...
may our thoughts be forgiven us
before our world returns to dust...Last edited on Fri Jul 30th, 2010 10:34 am by rws
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Ben Gunn
Vestri visio, meus tergum.
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#5 Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 11:54 am |
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swallowing your love.
between a silhouette secret.
love it!! Nice one Debby
BG300710
(also available at borntoloop@gmail.com
get off my loops! lol)
____________________
"Whoever lays his hand on me to govern me is a usurper and tyrant, and I declare him my enemy." Proudin 1849.
"No offense, Ben, but you seem to be born for martyrdom via hard lessons learned in hindsight."
rws 2010
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
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#6 Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 07:17 pm |
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| Looking at your avatar it would appear you've seen Inception :)
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Shrek
Little Thinking, Little Ogre
| Joined: | Mon Oct 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Bhopal, India |
| Posts: | 816 |
| Real First Name: | Shikhar |
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#7 Posted: Sat Jul 31st, 2010 06:46 am |
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a bad write, I guess? :P
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Think before you can't...
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Serah
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#8 Posted: Thu Aug 12th, 2010 04:33 am |
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Good one Bill.
Thank you, Ben.
Yes, David, I have seen Inception, in an I Max theater....awesome movie! Did you see it?
Bad write, Shrek?
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Erthona
~Erthona
| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
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| Real First Name: | Dale |
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#9 Posted: Thu Aug 12th, 2010 03:10 pm |
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Deb,
I agree with David for the most part, as far as the rhyme, and I also liked the cadence, except I didn't feel looped. I'm not a big fan of concrete poetry, because generally the poem wouldn't be considered very good, if it didn't form an image, but your poem here is a decent poem, regardless of whether it does or doesn't form an image. I do have a problem with the line:
"which once clustered in my mind,"
as it reads a bit awkward and out of step with the rest of the poem. I think probably part of it is, it is close, visually, to the phrase, "once cluttered my mind". Also "clustered" is just an awkward all around, and it tends to sound like custard when read aloud.
I think I would rather it be
"thoughts of you,
which once cluttered my mind,
have decreased to..."
Rhythmically, it just seems to fit with the poem better, overall. Plus, I don't know if thoughts can cluster. It is anthropomorphic to say thoughts clustered, and then in conjunction with that an alluded to metaphor that there is someplace for thoughts to cluster. It is easier for me to see thoughts as objects, rather than personified.
Dale
____________________
Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Erthona
~Erthona
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#10 Posted: Thu Aug 12th, 2010 03:11 pm |
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PS I have no idea what Shrek is on about! But then, that is generally the case.
____________________
Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Serah
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#11 Posted: Sat Aug 14th, 2010 04:08 am |
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Hey Dale, thank you for your comments and suggestion. Now that you've mentioned that about clustered, I hear what you mean and so I will change it.
As far as a concrete poem goes.....I had no intentions of writing this as one....it was just random thoughts I had written down.
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Erthona
~Erthona
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#12 Posted: Sun Aug 15th, 2010 01:37 am |
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That's usually the best way.
PS I will probably be off the internet as of Monday 8/16 for at least two weeks unless a miracle happens.
Dale
____________________
Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Serah
non-moving avatar
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#13 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:59 am |
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A miracle? oh my, ok.....I'll pray for you, for what ever it is you are going through.
( I just got back from vacation....I'm shot! But a good shot )
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rws
Poet
| Joined: | Tue Apr 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Warren, Ohio USA |
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#14 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 03:04 am |
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| I think he's already gone (temporarily, at least).
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Serah
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#15 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 04:02 am |
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Oh no! I hope all is ok with him and he returns.
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rws
Poet
| Joined: | Tue Apr 10th, 2007 |
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#16 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 12:50 pm |
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| He didn't say.
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Current time is 02:03 am | |
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